My Story

Hey Mama, I’m so glad you are here.

My name is Char, a Mama who, like you, lost her baby. I was 30 weeks pregnant, excited for another scan. It was August 13th. I took a bump pic that day. During Covid my husband was not allowed to accompany me to the ultrasound. I couldn't wait to hear her heartbeat again. When the ultrasound began, the technician was laughing and making jokes with me. All of sudden, he became quiet. “Is something wrong?” He sort of ignored my question and responded, “I think your bladder is too full, go to the bathroom and come back.” 

When I came back to the room, he said, “I have to take you over the OB clinic. I knew something was wrong, or they would have sent me to the emergency room. I asked “Is the baby okay?” His response was, “You know I am not allowed to tell you, but you need to call your husband.” 

My calls would not go through to my husband, so I text messaged my sister, “Call Ryan, I am at this location and something is wrong with Holdyn and they won't tell me anything." I knew in my heart that she was gone, but was waiting to hear the words from the Dr. They left me in a room alone for 2 hours before the doctor finally came in to confirm. I kept texting my mom, “It's going to be really bad.” Mom tried to be positive. “Maybe it's okay.” When the Dr. said the words, "No heartbeat", I remember thinking, this happens to other people, not us, not this late in pregnancy. How naïve I was to think it couldn't happen to me. 

I couldn't hear much of what she was saying, she tried to hug me, but I couldn't feel my arms. She asked me if I would like to deliver the baby today. I was stunned. It never occurred to me that, of course, stillborn babies have to be delivered. She left the room so Ryan and I could talk. I texted my mom only two words, “She's gone.” 

Ryan and I cried in each other's arms. I begged him to take me out of there and told him I didn't want to go home. We left on what would have been our baby moon to San Diego. The next few weeks were a blur of pain. I did not know how I could go on. Other mamas in this club reached out and gave me resources. I knew one day I would be like them and want to pay it forward to you.